A guy comes home from work and finds his girlfriend sitting on the porch, crying.
“What’s wrong, honey?”
“I’m leaving you! I just found out you’’re a pedophile!!!”
“Pedophile?!? Why, that’s a pretty big word for a ten-year old…”
Q: What happens to a politician when he takes viagra?
A: He gets taller.
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, “Sixty two.”
He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at one?”
Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: “Saul, sell your business.”
He ignores it. It goes on for days.
“Saul, sell your business for $3 million.”
After weeks of this, he relents and sells his store. The voice says, “Saul, go to Las Vegas.”
He asks why.
“Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas,” is the only reply he gets.
He obeys, goes to Vegas and from the airport straight to a casino. The voice says, “Saul, go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand.”
He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing.
“Saul, take a card.”
“What? The dealer has –”
“Take a card!”
Saul tells the dealer to hit him and he gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy.
“Saul, take another card.”
“TAKE ANOTHER CARD!”
He asks for another card. It’’s another ace. He has twenty.
“Saul, take another card,” the voice commands.
“I have twenty!” Saul shouts.
“TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!” booms the voice.
“Hit me,” Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one.
The booming voice says, “Un-fucking-believable!”
Q: What does a cow on a motorcycle say?
Q: What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
A: “Do you smell carrots?”