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Two cannibals are eating a clown when one cannibal says to the other, “Hey, does this taste funny to you?”
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A deaf man is working for the Mafia and has been making their cash deliveries for them. He’s been skimming some money from the envelopes for himself and ends up with $100,000.
Eventually they catch on, so the angry Mafia boss goes to the deaf man’s house with a sign language interpreter in tow.
They knock on the door and the Mafia boss tells the interpreter, “Tell this asshole he better tell me where my $100,000 is or I’m going to make him die a very slow and painful death!”
The interpreter translates to the deaf guy, and the deaf guy’s eyes widen and he excitedly signs to the interpreter, “Shit, OK. The money’s buried in my backyard underneath the elm tree, under the swing.”
The interpreter turns to the Mafia boss and said, “He said you can suck his dick, he’ll never tell you where the money is.
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A conservative, a moderate, and a liberal walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hi, Mitt!”
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Q: Did you hear about the guy who had to quit his job at the orange juice factory?
A: …He wasn’t able to concentrate.
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Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: It’s a really obscure number, you’ve probably never heard of it.
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Daily Horoscope: Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.