March 5, 2012

  • A pirate walks into a bar with an enormous ship’s wheel attached to his groin. He orders a grog, and as the bartender pours it he says, “Cap’’n - forgive me - but what’s with the wheel?”

    The pirate replies, “Arrrrr - it’s drivin’ me nuts!”

  • There was a new bartender in town. One night, a man ran into the bar and screamed, “RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, BIG JAKE IS COMIN’!”

    Everybody ran out the door shrieking in fear, except the terrified bartender.

    An enormous man with more tattoos than skin then stalked into the bar. He said, “I’ll take a vodka. Now.”

    The petrified bartender hands him the bottle. He drains it, and then eats the shot glass, followed by the bottle. The bartender, quivering in fear, said, “Would you…would you like another?”

    The hulking brute said, “No thanks. I’ve got to get out of here. Didn’t you hear? Big Jake is comin’!”

  • A three-legged dog limps into a bar and says, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

  • Daily Horoscope: Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you wouldn’t want to be taken to the doctor’s office in some of that old underwear you own.

  • Q: How many boring people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    A: One.

  • Q: What’s the difference between a gorilla and your mother?

    A: A gorilla is a majestic wild beast that lives in Africa. Your mother is a nice kind woman.

    I also have not had sex with a gorilla.