March 8, 2012

  • Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services.

    He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: “Take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

    Back on the phone, the hunter says, “OK, now what?”

  • Knock knock.
    Who’s there?
    Little old lady
    Little old lady who?
    I didn’t know you could yodel.

  • A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it’s filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

    He approaches the bartender and asks, “What’s with the money in the jar?”

    “Well…, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Ferrari.”

    The man certainly isn’t going to pass this up, so he asks, “What are the three tests?”

    “You gotta pay first,” says the bartender, “those are the rules.”

    So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

    “Okay,” says the bartender, “here’s what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can’t make a face while doing it.”

    “Second - There’s a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.”

    “Third - There’s a 90-year old lady upstairs who’s never had sex. You have to take care of that problem.” The man is stunned! “I know I paid my $10 - but I’m not an idiot! I won’t do it! You’d have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!”

    “Your call,” says the bartender, “but, your money stays where it is..”

    As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, “Where’s the damn tequila?!” He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.. Tears stream down both cheeks – but he doesn’t make a face – and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

    Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight – then nothing but silence!

    Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he’s bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.

    He drunkenly says, “Now…, where’s that old woman with the bad tooth?

  • Q: A boat carrying blue paint and a boat carrying red paint collided in the middle of the ocean. What happened to the crew?

    A: They were marooned.

  • Daily Horoscope: Libra (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22) - Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that.

  • Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?

    A: Piiig.