March 09, 2012

  • Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

  • Two hunters are out in the woods and one of them is taking a piss on a tree when a snake bites him on the penis.

    By the time they get to a phone the bite victim is near death. His friend calls a doctor in the nearby town and the doctor says, “He’ll die before I get there unless you get the poison out. You need to make a small incision and suck the poison out.” He says, “OK doc,” and he hangs up.

    The near-death hunter asks, “What did he say?”

    “You’re gonna die.”

  • A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

    “You have so much to live for,” said the sailor. “Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy.”

    With nothing to lose, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

    Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

    “What are you doing here?” asked the captain.

    “I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she replied. “He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he’s screwing me.”

    “He certainly is,” replied the captain. “This is the Staten Island Ferry.”

  • A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When he goes to pay, the bartender refuses, saying “For you? No charge.”

  • A snail slides into a Cadillac dealership and tells a salesman he needs the most expensive car they have. The salesman, estatically thinking of his comission, shows him the top of the line Caddy.

    She snail says, “This is perfect, except for one thing. I need to have a very large “S” painted on each door.

    The salesman asks, “Why in the world would you want that?”

    The snail replies, “Because, when I’’m driving down the street, I want everyone to say, “Wow! Look at that S car go!

  • A guy walks into a bar, clearly frazzled, and orders 12 shots of bourbon. The bartender lines them up, and the guy takes them down, hand over hand. He gets through about seven before taking a pause.

    “You okay,” asks the bartender. “You seem like you’re in a hurry.”

    “You’’d be in a hurry, too, if you had what I had.”

    “What do you have?” questions the bartender.

    “Seventy-five cents.”