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A man was going to the grocery store one day, when all of a sudden, an attractive looking woman walks up and says to him, “Hey, I know you. You’re the father of one of my kids. Do you remember me?”
The man is worried, and then he said, “Um… I think so. Were you the hooker who came to my friend’s bachelor party last year, and then everybody got drunk and played truth or dare, and they dared me to have sex with you while wearing your underwear as a necktie?”
Silence, then she said, “No, I’m your son’s English teacher…”
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Q: What do cheap hotels and designer jeans have in common?
A: No ballroom.
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A blond and a red head are walking down the street. They walk past a flower shop and the red head notices her boyfriend buying flowers.
She says, “Damn my boyfriend is buying me flowers again!”
The blond looks at her puzzled and and asks, “Why are you upset about your boyfriend buying you flowers?”
The red head says, “Well, he just expects a lot of things when he buys me flowers and I do not feel like being on my back with my legs in the air all weekend long.”
The blond says, “Why? Don’t you have a vase?”
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Q: How many Spaniards does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Juan.
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Q: Why was 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7 8 9.
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John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.
On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.
On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD to be done about John, he was just tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent and they couldn’t take it anymore. They decided to try and convert him to be Catholic. They went over and talked with him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic.
They took him to church and the priest sprinkled some water over him and told him “Your were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist and now you are a Catholic”. The men of the neighborhood were SO relieved, now their biggest Lent temptation was resolved.
The next year’s Lent rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came and just at supper time when the neighborhood was setting down to their fish dinners came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! What was going on??? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John’s yard to see if he had forgotten it was a Friday in Lent.
The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was pouring small droplets over his steak on the grill and saying, “You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish.”