March 13, 2012

  • A little girl and her mother were out and about.

    Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, “Mommy, How old are you?”

    The mother responded, “Honey, women don’t talk about their age. You’ll learn this as you get older.”

    The girl then asked, “Mommy, how much do you weigh?”

    Her mother responded again, “That’s another thing women don’t talk about. You’ll learn this, too, as you grow up.”

    The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, “Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”

    The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, “Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don’t want to talk about it now.”

    The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend’s house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother’s conversation.

    The girlfriend said, “All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother’s driver’s license. It’s just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything.”

    Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.

    The little girl started off with, “Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You’re 32 years old.”

    The mother was very shocked. She asked, “Sweetheart, how do you know that?”

    The little girl shrugged and said, “I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds.”

    “Where did you learn that?”

    The little girl said, “I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an ‘F’ in sex.”

  • I’ve sure gotten old! I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with demntia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.

  • Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, “Danger! Beware of Dog,” posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

    He asked the store manager, “Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”

    “Yep, that’s him,” he replied.

    “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”

    “Because,” said the owner, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”

  • A woman had been having trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any sign of advancing age. When she found a prominent gray hair in her bangs she pointed to her forehead and asked her husband, “Oh no, have you seen this?”

    “What,” he asked, “the wrinkles?”

  • A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.”

    The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church.

    So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper.’”

    The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.”

    The father looked at him and said, “Okay, why don’t you whisper in my ear.”

  • Arnold Schwarzenegger was driving down the road one evening, and he sees Jessica Simpson stumble out of a bar, shit-faced drunk. He pulls over and starts to offer her a ride home, but then he gets an idea.

    Instead, he offers to take her out to a cheap motel. She agrees, and they leave. When they arrive, he decides to show off a bit, to help get her blood flowing.

    He rips off his shirt and flexes his arms, and says, “See these? 10k pounds of dynamite, baby!”

    This sorta gets her aroused. He then rips his shorts off, puts one of his bulging calves in her face and says, “See these? These are another 10k of dynamite!”

    See then pushes him onto the bed and starts to remove his underwear. She shrieks in terror and runs away. He catches up to her, calms her down, and asks what was wrong she says, “Oh, with 20k pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, you had me worried!”