March 14, 2012

  • A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

    The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

    He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber’s house. The phone didn’t ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

    Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

    1. The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
    2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
    3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
    4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
    5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

    Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

  • Q: Someone that knows three languages is trilingual. Someone that knows two languages is bilingual. So what do you call someone that only knows one language?

    A: An American.

  • A son asked his mother, “Why are wedding dresses white?”

    She replied, “It shows your friends and relatives that the bride is pure.”

    Then the son went and asked the same question of his father.

    “All household appliances come in white,” said his father.

  • A guy walks into a bar. He’s ordering some drinks when he notices that there are two large pieces of meat stuck to the ceiling. So he asks the barman why they’re there. The barman says, “Well, it’s part of a little game I have going here. You’ve got to try and get those down from the ceiling without using a chair or a pool cue or anything else. If you manage, I’ll give you $200. But if you try it and you don’t succeed, you’ve gotta give me $200.”

    So the guy eyes up the ceiling for a while, and eventually turns back to the barman and says, “No, I’m not going to try it.” Of course, the barman says, “Why not? Look it’s easy, all you’ve gotta do is get them down off the ceiling.” And the guy shakes his head and says, “No, no, I can’t do it. The steaks are too high.”

  • Two nude statues - one of a man, one of a woman - stand on opposite corners of a park, facing each other. After decades, a fairy godmother sees them and, feeling impish, turns them human. “You have an hour to do anything you like, then it’s back on the pedestals with you.”

    The woman looks at the man and asks, “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

    He looks at her and says, “Absolutely.”

    They rush into the bushes, hand-in-hand, and excessive grunting and thrashing can be heard. A half hour later, he steps out, looks at the park clock and calls back into the bushes, “Okay, time’s half up. Now you hold the pigeons while I shit on them!”

  • Q: What do you call a dog with iron balls?

    A: Sparky.