February 28, 2012

  • A man with a German Shepherd dog goes into a bar and sits down at the counter. The bartender says, “You can’t bring that dog in here!”

    The man says, “But this is a Seeing Eye dog!”

    “Well, OK, then I guess it can stay.”

    After a while, the man and the German Shepherd get up to leave. As they’re going out the door, another man with a Chihuahua is coming in. First man says, “The bartender won’t like you bringing that dog in here, but just tell him it’s a Seeing Eye dog and then it’ll be OK.” The second man looks dubiously at his tiny Chihuahua, thinks a fews seconds, then thanks the first man and goes on in.

    The bartender says, “Hey! You can’t bring that Chihuahua in here!” Man stares straight ahead and exclaims, “What! They sold me a Chihuahua?!”

  • A man with hemorrhoids went to go see his doctor. His doctor prescribed suppositories and told the man to take one once every four hours.

    Weeks later he returned to his doctor saying, “I don’t think those things you prescribed did any good at all! Plus, they tasted horrible.”

    The shocked doctor replied, “What are you doing? Swallowing them?”

    The man replied sarcastically, “No. I’m shoving them up my ass!!!”

  • FOR SALE: Bull dog. Will eat anything. Loves children.

  • Daily Horoscope: Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 19) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don’t do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long lest they take root and become trees.

  • A man goes to see his Rabbi. He says, “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”

    The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”

    The man replied, “I think my wife is poisoning me. What should I do?”

    The Rabbi is very surprised by this and says, “I’ll tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”

    A day later the Rabbi calls the man and says, “Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three long hours and I think you’re right; she is poisoning you. Do you want my advice?”

    “What do you think I should do Rabbi?”

    “Take the poison.”

  • Q: What do you do with a blue whale?